15 02 2008
Dear Citizens of America,
In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium,” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.”
3. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation.
4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
5. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”
6. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”,
but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will
be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called “Come-Uppance Day.”
8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.
9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables… Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour.
12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) - roughly $8/US per gallon. Get used to it.
13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.
14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” American brands will be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ear removed with a cheese grater.
17. You will cease playing American “football.” There is only one kind of proper football; you call it “soccer”. Those of you brave enough, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a
bunch of Jessies - English slang for “Big Girls Blouse”).
18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable and forgiven.
19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776.
Thank you for your co-operation.
So, here is the list of my bfs' penises, in chronological order:
Jason-Roger the Shrubber
Garrett-Sir Launcelot the Brave
Santos-Sir Not Appearing in this Film
Josh-Sir Robin the Not Quite so Brave as Sir Launcelot
Now, I have not actually seen the penises of all those whose names begin with "J," so these names are subject to change. I just thought that everyone might get a kick out of my Holy Grail penises.
- Location:Dining Room
- Music:the tale of sir robin
"As long as there are innocent nickels to be made from the gullible, Python-starved public, I shall be out there dressed in silly frocks and singing filthy lyrics. I'm coming your way in search of ancient dollars."
"Bear in mind the simple rule, X squared to the power of two minus five over the seven point eight three times nineteen is approximately equal to the cube root of MCC squared divided by X minus a quarter of a third percent. Keep that in mind, and you can't go very far wrong."
"The Minister of Transport issued this appeal to motorists: Can anyone give him a lift to Leicester?"
"I'm very much against the news: 'Here's ten more things to upset you. Film at 11.'"
"If you really want to attract attention, release a comedy CD just as America goes to war. I won't say my CD did badly, but weapons of mass destruction were easier to find..."
"Incidentally, did you know that the first draft of the Canadian national anthem "Oh Canada" was originally "Oh Sorry"?"
"Gilliam stayed home and did his own thing since we soon got tired of listening to him trying to explain in words what he was doing."
"No day of my life passes without someone saying the words 'Monty Python' to me. It's not bad. People stop me on the street and say, "Hello, Mike." They congratulate me on the Travel show and they say how much they enjoyed A Fish Called Wanda. And whenever I'm mistaken for Michael Palin, I always say, "Yes, I am him. Now fuck off you ugly old bastard!" because I want to help destroy his reputation for niceness."
"My name is Eric Idle. If you think you're here to see Billy Idol, you can fuck off now."
"Sadly, this is still the Bush era. If you're going to try to impose democracy on somewhere weird, filled with lots of foreigners, why not start with Florida?"
"I am the nicest of the six old Monty Python boys. Well, Mike is probably the nicest, but I'm certainly the second nicest. Actually, Terry Jones is pretty nice come to think of it, but I am definitely the third nicest. You know, Terry Gilliam can be very nice, especially at parties. Perhaps too nice at parties. So I'm the... Graham Chapman was a very nice man and even John Cleese is a lot nicer than he used to be. So I guess I am the sixth nicest of the old Pythn group. ....What's so fucking great about being nice, anyway?"
"I sometimes wonder why my songs are so filthy, and then I look at you lot."
"I love the fact that 'SPAM' has come to mean unwanted garbage on the Internet. Every day I receive four or five offers to add three or four inches to my penis- all of which I accept. So now I have a nine-foot penis."
"I'm a happily married man- if that's not an oxymoron. My favorite sexual position is the Male Marital Position: flat on your back with your wallet wide open."
"When I was born in England in World War Two, Adolf Hitler was trying to kill me. I don't think it was personal."
"I'm just trying to earn enough to get my daughter through college and my wife through collagen."
"O Death, O Death, thou art so unfair! To take away Sonny, and still leave us Cher!"
"I like the French. Someone should be doing the job of the Democrats."
"I'm a limey bastard as you can tell. I'm married to an American. I like to think I've been invading America for almost thirty years. In fact, I've trained my wife to yell out, 'The British are coming, the British are coming!'."
"All religions seem to dislike breasts, but it's just the opposite with me."
"When my first marriage broke up, I went off to Australia. It's where English people go to have emotions. It's summer in the winter and there are beautiful half-naked sheilas on the beaches. George Harrison said to me, 'You're going to Australia?' 'Yes.' 'That's pretty heavy,' he said. 'I'm going to give you something.' So I'm on my way to the airport and a beautiful package arrives with a peacock feather- and it says, 'Not to be opened until over India.' Wow! So ten hours into the flight, I look down and there's this huge brown land mass and I think, right, it's time. So I take down the package and I'm thinking this is great: the meaning of life from the spiritual Beatle- and I open it up and pull out a little card and there, in George's handwriting, it says, 'Shag a sheila for me!'"
"People are always asking if there is going to be anything new from Monty Python- and the answer is no. We have discovered that the less we do, the more you pay."
"Recently, I met a lady who discovered the G-spot. She said she'd show me how to find it. She curled my fingers into an ), inserted two fingers into the first, and from inside pushed real hard on the fleshy part of my palm. 'That,' she said, 'is the G-spot.' And I was surprised, because I'd always thought it was in the vagina. So be very careful, ladies, the next time you shake hands with me."
"I think it's interesting that women never went to the moon. I think it's because the moon controls their periods, and if they were on the moon, they'd have a period all the time."
"I live in California. I have a stretch Prius. I send all my garbage to Ed Begley. And now we have the Governator: the man who popularized the sport of waitress lifting."
"By the way, I know Victoria's secret: she's a slut."
"I'm an Alzheimer's agnostic. I can't remember whether I don't believe in anything or not."
"You know you've been on the road for far too long when you find yourself gazing into the window of Victoria's Secre for far too long."
"At seven I was sent to a bleak English boarding school in Wolverhampton. That's not quite the end of the world, but you can see it from there. I was there for twelve years. You get less for murder."
"I'm very much in favor of gay marriage. I think it's about time they suffer, too."
"I liked your President Clinton's attempt to introduce a slightly gayer army. I like the idea of a much better dressed army that marches to Barbara Streisand records. An Armani army. You could have Queer Eye for the Straight GI."
"My wife came to visit me here in San Francisco. I had to run out to Victoria's Secret and buy lots of sexy lingerie: a thong, a black Teddy, and some long black stockings. ....It's amazing what I have to put on these days to attract her..."
"When I check into a hotel, I always go under the name Mick Jagger. I find I get a better class of wrong number."
"If you have enjoyed us half as much as we have, then we have enjoyed ourselves twice as much as you!"
"Once when filming, a British middle-class lady came up and said, 'Oh, Monty Python; I absolutely hate you lot.' And we felt quite proud and happy."
"The Python veto, which exists, is largely for business purposes, to prevent a majority vote going against individual rights, and it operates like the UN (with about the same results)."
"We were always getting on to Michael for talking too much."
"I love being shown new technology and fucking about with it. When we got into TV, nobody had mined it for silliness, so we were given the toys and allowed to play. That's what I find exciting about the Web; we're just playing with the toys. And there are no executives, which I really find refreshing."
"When you make an audience laugh thay love you, they really do love you, and thats one of the nicest things about being a comedian. When you make people laugh, usualy you've touched them at a time when they need some kind of reassurance or they wanted something or they were feeling depressed and then you made them feel better. So there is a sort of healing thing in it."
"If the studios payed the artists, how would they ever be able to afford the executives?"
"John Cleese once told me he'd do anything for money. So I offered him a pound to shut up, and he took it."
"I remember we toured Canada in 1973, in Winnipeg, and when the curtain went up, the whole of the front row was dressed as a caterpillar."
- Music:"Runaway" by Bon Jovi
I HAD to share this when I found out about it! Shrek the Third is slated to come out sometime in 2007, and thanks to our friends over at IH as well as IMDB I can bring you this:
Plot Outline: When his new father-in-law, King Harold (John Cleese) falls ill, Shrek (Mike Myers) is looked at as the heir to the land of Far, Far Away. Not one to give up his beloved swamp, Shrek recruits his friends Donkey (Eddie Murphy) and Puss in Boots (Antonio Banderas) to install the rebellious Artie (Justin Timberlake) as the new king. Princess Fiona (Cameron Diaz), however, rallies a band of royal girlfriends to fends off a coup d'etat by the jilted Prince Charming (Rupert Everett).
What does this have to do with our favorite python you may ask? Well, check this out, and tell me this isn't perfect!
Shrek: Mike Myers
Donkey: Eddie Murphey
Fiona: Cameron Diaz
Queen Lillian: Julie Andrews
Puss in Boots: Antonia BandarasJohn Cleese: King Harold *because he's not as cool*
Prince Charming: Rupert EverettMerlin: Eric Idle !!!!
To see more check out the International Movie Data Base website: Shrek the Third
- Music:"White & Nerdy" by Weird Al
Well, sadly, I'm tired and have to get up for work tomorrow, so you'll have to do with a link. I found it and it has some really good sound bites on it. It has a bunch of other stuff, but I liked the sounds best, so that's the link you're getting:http://www.intriguing.com/mp/sounds.asp
and because it looks sad to have a three line post:
Title: Song of Sir Robin
From: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Bravely bold Sir Robin
Brought forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die,
Oh, brave Sir Robin!
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.
Brave, brave, brave Sir Robin.
He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp.
Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken!
To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin.
His head smashed in and his heart cut out,
And his liver removed and his bowls unplugged,
And his nostrils raked and his bottom burnt off,
And his penis--
Robin (interputing): That's...That's, uh... That's enough music for now,
lads. It looks like there's dirty work afoot.
Three headed knight: HALT!!!
Voice over: YES!! It was the dreaded Three Headed Knight, the fiercest
creature for *yards* around!
For second.... after second..., Robin held his own, but the
onslaught proved too much for the brave knight. Scarcely was
his armor damp, when Robin suddenly, dramatically, changed his
Brave Sir Robin ran away. No!
Bravely ran away away.... I didn't!
When Danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled No!!
Yes brave Sir Robin turned about I didn't!
And gallantly chickened out..
Bravely bravely bravely bravely I never did!
Bravely bravely bravely bravely All lies!
Bravely bravely brave Sir Robin! I never!
about keeping this community updated. So I thought that I'd check out the best Eric Idle site I know of and get some nifty new things to go with it. I'm looking into more for the community, so keep checking in. If you feel like I need to update more, let me know. And, btw, you can update too. I won't bite. Promise. And now, a Foxtrot comic strip for you veiwing pleasure!!!
- Music:"tis a gift to be simple"