"As long as there are innocent nickels to be made from the gullible, Python-starved public, I shall be out there dressed in silly frocks and singing filthy lyrics. I'm coming your way in search of ancient dollars."
"Bear in mind the simple rule, X squared to the power of two minus five over the seven point eight three times nineteen is approximately equal to the cube root of MCC squared divided by X minus a quarter of a third percent. Keep that in mind, and you can't go very far wrong."
"The Minister of Transport issued this appeal to motorists: Can anyone give him a lift to Leicester?"
"I'm very much against the news: 'Here's ten more things to upset you. Film at 11.'"
"If you really want to attract attention, release a comedy CD just as America goes to war. I won't say my CD did badly, but weapons of mass destruction were easier to find..."
"Incidentally, did you know that the first draft of the Canadian national anthem "Oh Canada" was originally "Oh Sorry"?"
"Gilliam stayed home and did his own thing since we soon got tired of listening to him trying to explain in words what he was doing."
"No day of my life passes without someone saying the words 'Monty Python' to me. It's not bad. People stop me on the street and say, "Hello, Mike." They congratulate me on the Travel show and they say how much they enjoyed A Fish Called Wanda. And whenever I'm mistaken for Michael Palin, I always say, "Yes, I am him. Now fuck off you ugly old bastard!" because I want to help destroy his reputation for niceness."
"My name is Eric Idle. If you think you're here to see Billy Idol, you can fuck off now."
"Sadly, this is still the Bush era. If you're going to try to impose democracy on somewhere weird, filled with lots of foreigners, why not start with Florida?"
"I am the nicest of the six old Monty Python boys. Well, Mike is probably the nicest, but I'm certainly the second nicest. Actually, Terry Jones is pretty nice come to think of it, but I am definitely the third nicest. You know, Terry Gilliam can be very nice, especially at parties. Perhaps too nice at parties. So I'm the... Graham Chapman was a very nice man and even John Cleese is a lot nicer than he used to be. So I guess I am the sixth nicest of the old Pythn group. ....What's so fucking great about being nice, anyway?"
"I sometimes wonder why my songs are so filthy, and then I look at you lot."
"I love the fact that 'SPAM' has come to mean unwanted garbage on the Internet. Every day I receive four or five offers to add three or four inches to my penis- all of which I accept. So now I have a nine-foot penis."
"I'm a happily married man- if that's not an oxymoron. My favorite sexual position is the Male Marital Position: flat on your back with your wallet wide open."
"When I was born in England in World War Two, Adolf Hitler was trying to kill me. I don't think it was personal."
"I'm just trying to earn enough to get my daughter through college and my wife through collagen."
"O Death, O Death, thou art so unfair! To take away Sonny, and still leave us Cher!"
"I like the French. Someone should be doing the job of the Democrats."
"I'm a limey bastard as you can tell. I'm married to an American. I like to think I've been invading America for almost thirty years. In fact, I've trained my wife to yell out, 'The British are coming, the British are coming!'."
"All religions seem to dislike breasts, but it's just the opposite with me."
"When my first marriage broke up, I went off to Australia. It's where English people go to have emotions. It's summer in the winter and there are beautiful half-naked sheilas on the beaches. George Harrison said to me, 'You're going to Australia?' 'Yes.' 'That's pretty heavy,' he said. 'I'm going to give you something.' So I'm on my way to the airport and a beautiful package arrives with a peacock feather- and it says, 'Not to be opened until over India.' Wow! So ten hours into the flight, I look down and there's this huge brown land mass and I think, right, it's time. So I take down the package and I'm thinking this is great: the meaning of life from the spiritual Beatle- and I open it up and pull out a little card and there, in George's handwriting, it says, 'Shag a sheila for me!'"
"People are always asking if there is going to be anything new from Monty Python- and the answer is no. We have discovered that the less we do, the more you pay."
"Recently, I met a lady who discovered the G-spot. She said she'd show me how to find it. She curled my fingers into an ), inserted two fingers into the first, and from inside pushed real hard on the fleshy part of my palm. 'That,' she said, 'is the G-spot.' And I was surprised, because I'd always thought it was in the vagina. So be very careful, ladies, the next time you shake hands with me."
"I think it's interesting that women never went to the moon. I think it's because the moon controls their periods, and if they were on the moon, they'd have a period all the time."
"I live in California. I have a stretch Prius. I send all my garbage to Ed Begley. And now we have the Governator: the man who popularized the sport of waitress lifting."
"By the way, I know Victoria's secret: she's a slut."
"I'm an Alzheimer's agnostic. I can't remember whether I don't believe in anything or not."
"You know you've been on the road for far too long when you find yourself gazing into the window of Victoria's Secre for far too long."
"At seven I was sent to a bleak English boarding school in Wolverhampton. That's not quite the end of the world, but you can see it from there. I was there for twelve years. You get less for murder."
"I'm very much in favor of gay marriage. I think it's about time they suffer, too."
"I liked your President Clinton's attempt to introduce a slightly gayer army. I like the idea of a much better dressed army that marches to Barbara Streisand records. An Armani army. You could have Queer Eye for the Straight GI."
"My wife came to visit me here in San Francisco. I had to run out to Victoria's Secret and buy lots of sexy lingerie: a thong, a black Teddy, and some long black stockings. ....It's amazing what I have to put on these days to attract her..."
"When I check into a hotel, I always go under the name Mick Jagger. I find I get a better class of wrong number."
"If you have enjoyed us half as much as we have, then we have enjoyed ourselves twice as much as you!"
"Once when filming, a British middle-class lady came up and said, 'Oh, Monty Python; I absolutely hate you lot.' And we felt quite proud and happy."
"The Python veto, which exists, is largely for business purposes, to prevent a majority vote going against individual rights, and it operates like the UN (with about the same results)."
"We were always getting on to Michael for talking too much."
"I love being shown new technology and fucking about with it. When we got into TV, nobody had mined it for silliness, so we were given the toys and allowed to play. That's what I find exciting about the Web; we're just playing with the toys. And there are no executives, which I really find refreshing."
"When you make an audience laugh thay love you, they really do love you, and thats one of the nicest things about being a comedian. When you make people laugh, usualy you've touched them at a time when they need some kind of reassurance or they wanted something or they were feeling depressed and then you made them feel better. So there is a sort of healing thing in it."
"If the studios payed the artists, how would they ever be able to afford the executives?"
"John Cleese once told me he'd do anything for money. So I offered him a pound to shut up, and he took it."
"I remember we toured Canada in 1973, in Winnipeg, and when the curtain went up, the whole of the front row was dressed as a caterpillar."
- Music:"Runaway" by Bon Jovi